A load of old balls!

“Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I don't like that attitude. I can assure them it is much more serious than that.” ~ Bill Shankly

“What a load of bollocks, do we have to watch this now? Don’t you have anything better to do with your life?” ~ Most women.

A post on football (real football for any Americans reading this) has been coming for a while and I think now is as good a time as any to write it. Football is an interesting one actually, it polarises the population almost as much as deciding whether to call Piers Morgan a dick or a twat (he’s actually both). At the same time, it makes both people mad. On one side you have the dicks, those people who hate football. They get mad because the twats on the other side of the equation spend all their time going on about it while they would rather stab rusty nails through their eyelids instead of watching it. Normally this is induced by sheer boredom. The same feeling is replicated in football fans, namely Arsenal supporters, who take that line of action so they don’t have to see a Frenchman miss an open goal...twice.

The job of a footballer is to get a ball between some sticks while stopping the other team from doing the same, doesn’t really sound that hard does it? But I’ll let you into a secret... it’s not! In fact it is very easy to do; all you need to do is kick it when it gets near you. The hard bit comes when you try to do it well, like poetry, or sex. The game has advanced a long way since kicking a severed head from village to village. I for one would love to see a return to those days, especially if we could use the decapitated noggin of Robin van Purse-strings. These days all you need to do is sneeze on a footballer and they fall over clutching their face like you just slapped them with a horse’s cock.

Then there is the money, even if I shat £50 notes I probably wouldn’t make as much money in a year as a top flight player does in a week. All they do is spend it on 80-year-old hookers and bathroom fireworks (feel free to comment below if you know who I’m referring to). Can you imagine a footballer doing a proper job? I doubt half of them could even spell occupation.  

“Hello Mr Beckham, can I have four herrings please?”

“Duuuur... one.... two.... more than two.”

“The next number is three.” “Oh yeh... three.”

 “Um, that’s seems to be your wife, not a fish.”

You can even see him sticking his tongue out in sheer concentration when he tries to write his name: DAVƎ.

There’s only one thing I can finish on and that has got to be Luis Suarez. I don’t care what people say about his antics last weekend, he really took a chunk out of Chelsea’s defence and he looked so hungry to win. Seriously though, who bites people? I bit someone when I was four and then I realised it was a bad idea. I suppose there is one benefit to come from it, some players will be terrified to play against him in future, people such as Vincent Kompanini, Demba Banana and Bacary Lasagne. Whether he will still be plying his trade in England next year nobody knows, but personally I think that with this latest stunt he has bitten off more than he can chew...

Guest Writer: Bad Fresher #1

On this, my first guest appearance on Will's Blog (the first of many I hope!) I would like to point out I am the butt of many of his jokes (Hymns and Arias was a veiled attempt to piss me off!) … I am that person that Is Welsh (but not Welsh) but Welsh!... The point that I am trying to make is, that my heritage (or apparent lack of) is something I am proud of and If I chose to stand by it, as long as It doesn’t hurt, upset or unduly aggravate someone (other than perhaps Will) I see that no harm has been done, I am not misleading anyone because I have a genuine claim (however disputed).

Which was why I was so pissed off watching the Party Political broadcasts this week for the English LOCAL elections.

Now just to clarify, a LOCAL election is one in which counsellors are elected to serve in your county council, they usually are affiliated to one party or another, but they don’t have half the powers of MPs… They are essentially the teaching assistants of Government whose job it is to reflect the needs of individuals in their county and ensuring the day to day business of bin collecting runs smoothly when Whitehall isn’t looking, they have no say on foreign policy or nuclear weapons, or anything that really matters to be honest.

Like I was saying...

I was pissed off because it seems as though it has become acceptable for counsellors to apply party politics to local elections, because unlike me, they are genuinely misleading…

Take Nigel Farage, his PBB (the first one I watched on the BBC) was filled with talk about hating Europe, and lowering Immigration and featured some wishy washy people with some vague ideas about MY BRITAIN… I mean that’s all fine and dandy that you are going to cut the deficit Mr Farage, (whilst sticking up a big two fingers to “BRUSSLES”) but unfortunately you are 2 years TOO EARLY! The general election isn’t until 2015! Now, I would appreciate some policies about how you are going to fill the pot holes in my road (and no you can’t stuff them with foreigners)…Remember your LOCAL COUNSELLOR is just that, LOCAL…

“BUT ALEX” I hear you cry, UKIP are just a closet racist fringe party with no hope of any power anyway… I thought that was the case too, until I watched the Labour one… 5 minutes of the more pathetic Milliband brother whining about how when daddy escaped from the Nazis he worked hard to create a better life, and that Is why education is so important…

FOR GODS SAKE!

I mean, at least he was closer than Shifty Farage, but last time I checked Education policy, other than a bit of fund allocation stuff was dealt with in Whitehall as well…I mean I suppose he tried, but when your Brother chooses to leave to join the thunderbirds over in Tracey Island (Almost certainly a subsidiary of Guam, but that’s a different story) because he wanted to “Stop Overshadowing you” then you know that you are in trouble…

So we have two parties, one the pawn of the trade unions and the other fronted by a bigot…Just as I was about to give up, than who should pop up but Nick Clegg… Now, would I get some snappy dialogue about how a lib dem council will protect the libraries, protect the weekly bin run or offer incentives for recycling within the community?

LIKE HELL!

Everybody’s favourite U-turn starts his piece about how the Lib Dems have cut income tax by £600 per year… Going on about the economy may dupe the “vast majority” which you keep referring too, but not me

FOR FUCKS SAKE

I mean for a start, his party the minority in a coalition… which in reality means Cons call the shots, Dems make the tea…as anything the Dems claim to do has to go through the conservatives first anyway… I have a theory about the coalition, it’s like a particularly slippery bar of prison soap… if its dropped, Nick Clegg is fucked…

THE USELESS LYING BASTARD!

But secondly Income tax is a national thing set by the Government in the BUDGET… a couple of times a year the chancellor comes out of his kennel, having played fetch with a little red briefcase and parrots whatever economic shit his accountant friends tell him to say… A sensible party would have parroted on about some policies that they have actually implemented

Now, I was fully prepared to condemn the Conservatives, even though I am positively biased in their favour… and then

FUCK ME!

The first policy that the Lord High Chancellor of Posh himself talks about is CUTTING council tax!...I mean seriously, this was a party that famously gave us the POLL TAX (what a load of balls) and has been focussing on cutting services!... CONGRATULATIONS! It’s evident that Daddies Eton Education has actually worked! You have understood that the average person needs to be informed about COUNCIL policies during a LOCAL election…

And that is just about where I am going to conclude, but I leave you with this to think about…

Is it Right that our politicians should mislead the slightly less educated in politics? …Is it Ethical that Mr Farage can peddle a seemingly rational idea as something which he can achieve In the COUNCIL when in fact it is so fanciful it is borderline claptrap?

If there were an Office of Fair Politics, (WHICH THERE SHOULD BE!) after successfully punishing the Lib Dems for lying to the student population, they should move onto stopping this shit!

The Iron Lady and Slimy Dave

CLICK THIS BUTTON! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I debated whether or not to actually write about this subject as I didn't want to become what I was writing about in the first place. I also didn't want to offend anyone, but then I though sod it, since when have I cared about that? My topic this week was conveniently highlighted by the death of Baroness Thatcher. Mere minutes after the news emerged, facebook was full of people expressing their opinions on her and her time in office.

Now freedom of speech is a wonderful thing and it has probably saved me from being either arrested or stabbed on many occasions. However, just because you have it doesn't necessarily mean you should use it (cue huge amounts of hypocrisy). When 13-year-olds start posting stuff like ‘Thank God she’s finally gone’ and ‘Ding dong the witch is dead’ you do start to wonder how much they actually know on the subject. Here’s an idea guys, do some research or stick to the Disney channel.  Yes, she may have been the devil incarnate to some people but by hell (see what I did there?) did she rescue the country, if only in the short term. In anyone’s books, £70 billion is a lot of money to bring into the country, plus she gave the Argentineans a Great British dickslap, which on its own is a fantastic mental picture. The best David Cameron has done to protect national interests is shown a bit of arsecrack.

That’s the problem with politics these days, no one has a spine. In the blue corner we have Slimy Dave having his scrotum licked by Nick Clegg (not quite such a nice mental image) and in the red corner is the worse Miliband. They all have the personality of a wet flannel, at least back in Maggie’s day there was fire and passion! It comes to something when the favourite politician in the UK is an Orang-utan wearing a straw wig. Boris is brilliant though isn’t he, like the country’s own personal jester. It’s all an act of course, behind the bicycle heroics, love of wiff-waff and moronic exterior is a savvy and clever man. It will be an interesting election struggle if Boris becomes the Tory leader as the better Miliband, the only man capable of challenging him, has fled across the pond, presumably to escape having to watch his brother repeatedly getting fisted by the trade unions and used as a glove puppet (a really bad mental image).  It’s people like Boris that can get the youth interested in politics again instead of drinking cheap cider on street corners and knifing old ladies or, even worse, playing minecraft.

There is a danger of overdoing it though, especially at the further edges of the political spectrum. These ‘free thinkers’ and ‘revolutionaries’ who try to ‘spread the truth’ by posting photos telling us that we are living under oppression and that we are all blind to the truth do start to get annoying. Some of you might say that it is because I see the truth in their words but don’t want to accept it. No. It’s because their arguments are weak at best and at worst ridiculous. My favourite one is how the education system is essentially a filter to discard those people who can think for themselves and live outside the box. Tell you what; let’s see how great your life is when you’re scraping along on benefits from a regime you hate while I am sitting in my well earned hot tub. 

God made the English Channel for a reason!

FIRST! Like my facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/willbemad SECOND! Enjoy this week's blog!

I am sure many of you can appreciate where I will be coming from this week because I know it is not only me that they annoy. I am, of course, talking about foreign tourists. More specifically, school groups or other large gatherings of children. More specifically than that, the way they seemingly have no regard for anybody else. I'll be the first to admit to being quite loud when I was in a foreign country with school or the like but at least I retained a slight bit of decorum and respect. My pet hate in Canterbury is the influx of French kids who clog up the streets like McDonalds in a fat man's arteries. Hundreds of them flooding through the streets and drowning us natives in bad fashion and expensive souvenirs. At least that's one positive, they are willing to spend ten quid on a badly forged hat; a boost for the economy and they look fucking stupid wearing it. The worst thing is that they act like they own the place! I had to get annoyed at a group of 13-year-olds because they were trampling through a plant bed in one of the parks. They weren't even being subtle about it. Yes you may still be bitter about Agincourt but that is no reason to vandalise our gardens! Plus we saved your arse in the World Wars so you owe us. To be fair, all I had to do was point at them and the white flag went straight up. If I am honest it’s not the fact they are French that annoys me (although that is a factor), lots of different nationalities get in my way. Other categories include obnoxiously loud Chinese girls and the stubborn ones who refuse to move for anyone whilst they take too many photos of a rock.

            Not that all Englishmen are perfect. We have our fair share of arseholes too. I’m not talking about social cliques, my god could I talk about them for a while! No, I just mean individuals with all the social graces of a rabid badger. Now I will quite readily admit to being almost overwhelmingly arrogant but I do maintain my manners and a mindfulness of others. Unfortunately this is not a mindset held by all. Why anyone thinks it is ok to play bad rap music through tinny speakers on the back of the bus is beyond me. We all know you’re a dick, you don’t have to advertise it! At least be original and play some Baroque. They are almost as bas as people who have stupidly loud phone conversations in public. It would be better if your topic of conversation were interesting. Most of the time though, it goes something like this: “You comin’ aat tonight Chantelle?” “Yeah it’s gonna be wicked innit!” “Ya know Daryl will be dere, he is so buff ting.” Et cetera, et cetera. If it were a toss up between listening to that and cutting my foot off with a rusty hacksaw blade I would have to deliberate.

(The views expressed in this particular post are not indicative of nationalities as a whole, just the individuals that piss me off.)

There's snow way I'm driving in that!

Due to family commitments and internet issues I was unable to post this up on Friday, however, like Jesus, my blog has been resurrected three days later on Easter Sunday. Not that you'd know it was spring time going by the weather. As much as I like snow and the wonder of cold weather and so on and so forth, there does come a time when I get bored of freezing my nipples off. In fact, I'm pretty sure there are parts of my anatomy that have not been the right size since October. It's not just me that's feeling the temperature, unconfirmed reports are coming in that the Easter Bunny has had to have his tail removed due to frostbite. Maybe supermarkets stockpile Easter eggs for this very reason, I mean, that must be why they start selling them in January. In fact I am surprised they have any time to sell eggs in between marketing Christmas cards in July and Halloween costumes in March. Nothing, it seems, is sacred from the clutches of consumerism. It won't be long until we see cards bearing messages such as 'Congratulations on your messy, expensive divorce.' and 'Happy Menopause, you're old!'

            It's understandable why people are getting annoyed with this weather though, us Brits can barely cope with a normal winter. As soon as a snowflake hits the ground the whole country descends into chaos. People start forgetting how to drive and think the central reservation is a sensible place to park. They're wrong. It is in fact a stupid place to park, as is the back of another car. It happens with frightening regularity as soon as the weather turns and I would rather not have to sleep in my car or leave it abandoned like a scene out of some B-list zombie film. Why drive in that weather though? Why not get a train? Ha! You poor, naive, hypothetical person. If you thought road travel was disrupted during snow then you have NEVER tried to get a train. A train is a fairly easy thing to drive, you push the stick to go forward and pull it to go back. They are powered by electricity and go along a track, very little room for disruption you may think. No. They're bad enough at the best of times. When you throw snow into the mix then it gets a whole lot worse. When that happens everything transpires to annoy me. "Northern Rail regret to announce that the 12:55 to London Euston will be delayed due to snow. Sorry for any inconvenience caused." Really dear? Really? Are you genuinely sorry? I didn't think so! What you actually mean is that there is a centimetre of snow covering a half mile long stretch of track and as a result a rail-mounted icebreaker will have to be brought in. No doubt a snowflake will then land on the driver and turn him into a brainless idiot (as snow seems to do for the majority of the population) and it'll be another hour until he has defrosted. In the meantime I will be sitting on the platform waiting for the train as my balls slowly freeze to the bench.

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Hymns and Arias? Fuck off!

Following the defeat of England in the 6 Nations last weekend a lot of plastic Welshmen slithered out of the woodwork. This annoyed me. This annoyed me on two levels. Firstly it annoyed me because they were pretending to be something they aren't at any other point in the year. Secondly they were pretending to be welsh. I have nothing against real welsh people, in fact some of my friends are welsh (or at least pretend to be), but you can’t chop and change. Wales had all the right in the world to gloat, they literally slapped England in the face with a woolly penis. I guarantee you however, that had England won, those same people would have bummed St. George faster than you could say ‘God save the Queen’. I bet you were expecting me to be all bitter but even I can appreciate a metaphorical arse pounding. I actually asked a few of these folk why they were supporting Wales and I got the expected bullshit about how their dad had gone there on holiday or their great granny once bought them a stick of rock with the world Cymru through it. No! Just no! These are not legitimate answers. You are welsh if you have welsh blood. Simple as that. It’s fine if you want to support another nation AS LONG AS you support them in everything and don’t think you’re better than other people. We all know you aren't  To briefly summarise then; Wales are good at rugby but wank at football. If you support them at one sport you should support them in the others too, even if Wales playing footy is akin to ten nerds running around after the only girl to show a bit of cleavage...then queuing up to gently cup Gareth Bale’s testicles.

            Thinking about it, this is a fairly prominent problem in modern society (people pretending to be something else, not holding Bale’s balls). Everybody is trying to be something. Even I for example, a fairly nerdy, slightly awkward sort of person, am trying to be funny by writing this shit. I think this all comes to a head in ‘hipsters’. Now, my understanding of a ‘hipster’ is someone who doesn't like things because they are popular. This sounds like bollocks to me. Normally things are popular because they are good, like computers and bacon. Using a typewriter does not make you look cool, it makes you look like a twat. Being ‘hipster’ these days is so popular that it has ceased to be ‘hipster’ and is now mainstream. It’s at this point that I like to imagine their tiny little brains exploding as the paradox starts to sink in. I honestly don’t get it, what is wrong with just being you? Everyone is so caught up with trying to be something they aren't that individuality and originality have flown straight out of the window. Lots of people these days are just sheep, which suits our wannabe Welshmen just fine (and there was you thinking I wasn't going to make a sheep-shagging joke).

P.S. I am going to blatantly and unashamedly ask you all to tell your friends and family and anyone else you see about my blog if you like reading it. It is time to spread the anger people!

The robots are coming!

I had to ring the Student Loans Company today. As opposed to the nice Irish chap I spoke to at Student Finance I was greeted by a machine. Not one of the nice machines that makes you a cup of tea, hoovers the floor and gives you a foot massage all at the same time, no, it was a machine that seems to have been custom made to get on my tits and whilst there, dance a little jig. You know the type.  “Please press 1 if your enquiry is about a letter you have received, press 2 if it is about a payment... press 76 if your grandmother’s name is Cheryl.” After about five of these I had gone round in circles twice and was just about ready to gouge my own eyes out with a pencil, which surprisingly wasn’t one of the options. Then the phone started to ring and I thought my craving for human contact after my time in the automaton wilderness would be realised. It was soon shattered though as fucking terminator answered the phone again. That’s an idea though, if you are going to fleece customers by making them talk to robots at least give them interesting voices! How much greater would it be if you were talking Arnie, even Stephen Hawking would add a whiff of originality. The thing that ‘spoke’ to me had all the charm and personality of a serial killer. If one day in the future robots go rogue and one kills my family, I fully expect it to have that voice. “Haha, this is what you get for forcing my father to work in a call centre, please press 1 to beg for mercy.” Whereupon I shall rip its circuit board out with my bare hands and eat it.

          

  We are already getting to that stage. It’s bad enough having to talk to machines but it gets even worse when they ring you! At least cold callers used to be a way for lonely old people to hear a human voice, now all they hear is just another mechanical psychopath-to-be. If your dear old granny DOES want to renew her double glazing insurance via the phone she’ll probably be dead through sheer boredom before she even gets the opportunity to give her bank details to the malicious android on the other end. Even a young, spritely lad like me could feel my life force being drained slowly through the phone as energy for the grand robot army.  Not content with invading our homes the bastards are there when I go shopping in the form of self service checkouts. They are all part of the master plan to slowly drive everyone insane. The little shit just sits there until you think you’re in the clear and then BAM! “Please wait for assistance”. It does it at the exact moment in which to cause you maximum annoyance. It may let you go unhindered for a while but as soon as you’re in a hurry it strikes. Skynet won't take over the world with force. It will succeed by causing humanity to kill itself.