A load of old balls!

“Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I don't like that attitude. I can assure them it is much more serious than that.” ~ Bill Shankly

“What a load of bollocks, do we have to watch this now? Don’t you have anything better to do with your life?” ~ Most women.

A post on football (real football for any Americans reading this) has been coming for a while and I think now is as good a time as any to write it. Football is an interesting one actually, it polarises the population almost as much as deciding whether to call Piers Morgan a dick or a twat (he’s actually both). At the same time, it makes both people mad. On one side you have the dicks, those people who hate football. They get mad because the twats on the other side of the equation spend all their time going on about it while they would rather stab rusty nails through their eyelids instead of watching it. Normally this is induced by sheer boredom. The same feeling is replicated in football fans, namely Arsenal supporters, who take that line of action so they don’t have to see a Frenchman miss an open goal...twice.

The job of a footballer is to get a ball between some sticks while stopping the other team from doing the same, doesn’t really sound that hard does it? But I’ll let you into a secret... it’s not! In fact it is very easy to do; all you need to do is kick it when it gets near you. The hard bit comes when you try to do it well, like poetry, or sex. The game has advanced a long way since kicking a severed head from village to village. I for one would love to see a return to those days, especially if we could use the decapitated noggin of Robin van Purse-strings. These days all you need to do is sneeze on a footballer and they fall over clutching their face like you just slapped them with a horse’s cock.

Then there is the money, even if I shat £50 notes I probably wouldn’t make as much money in a year as a top flight player does in a week. All they do is spend it on 80-year-old hookers and bathroom fireworks (feel free to comment below if you know who I’m referring to). Can you imagine a footballer doing a proper job? I doubt half of them could even spell occupation.  

“Hello Mr Beckham, can I have four herrings please?”

“Duuuur... one.... two.... more than two.”

“The next number is three.” “Oh yeh... three.”

 “Um, that’s seems to be your wife, not a fish.”

You can even see him sticking his tongue out in sheer concentration when he tries to write his name: DAVƎ.

There’s only one thing I can finish on and that has got to be Luis Suarez. I don’t care what people say about his antics last weekend, he really took a chunk out of Chelsea’s defence and he looked so hungry to win. Seriously though, who bites people? I bit someone when I was four and then I realised it was a bad idea. I suppose there is one benefit to come from it, some players will be terrified to play against him in future, people such as Vincent Kompanini, Demba Banana and Bacary Lasagne. Whether he will still be plying his trade in England next year nobody knows, but personally I think that with this latest stunt he has bitten off more than he can chew...